The Peaky Blinders may have terrorised Birmingham and beyond in the 1920s, but these days there's a current gangster threat much closer to home: The Cheeky Breeders.
This gaggle of bottle-toting bandits operates far and wide, a network comprised of minacious mothers with an overblown sense of pride and entitlement at having magicked a human from their nethers.
It is essential that the general public remain vigilant in order to avoid falling victim to the many cunning tricks this motley crew of mums employs in order to dominate the otherwise peaceful neighbourhood.
1) Biological warfare
Not content with monopolising every cafe throughout the land for use as an extension of their living room, these menacing matriarchs will quite happily hoik little Frankie onto the table in Costa Coffee for a quick nappy change.
Please, we implore, in the name of everything that is holy, use the baby change facility and spare us the sight of your offspring's orifices. There's nothing more likely to put me off my meatball panini than the sight of your sprog's soggy soiled nappy. Even if it IS "just a wee" as you say, giving me a nonchalant shrug.
I don't care how cute baby Olivia is, mini humans are basically walking germ-magnets. Seeing your spawn wiping snot-covered hands along the seats in Starbucks makes me shudder, as they sneeze full-force in my face whilst I sip my soya latte.
2). The Racket
No, not a protection racket, I'm talking about the deafening din created by the Breeder's brats. In order to get to the front of queues or clear the supermarket altogether, the Cheeky Breeder will purposely ensure their child is hungry/thirsty/tired before they enter, a clever tactic to secure superior and speedy service as the staff try to process them out the door as quickly as possible and restore serenity to the store. A recent visit to the nail bar was a pampering treat until a Breeder burst in and the shrill siren of her kids signalled time for the rest of us to scarper, scarlet nails held aloft in weary surrender.
Do not underestimate the level of criminal damage possible by the Breeder's brood. As the elders of the gang use distraction techniques, or simply turn a blind eye in mock-oblivious fashion, the Cheeky Breeder's offspring scatter in all directions, wreaking havoc in true gangster style: upturned chairs, ruined fabric furniture, gouging the eyes of unsuspecting pets - these toddler terrorists are on the rampage, and coming to a street near you. If they knock at your door under the pretense of a friendly visit/collecting a debt (or simply the Avon catalogue), throw the deadbolts across, drop to the floor and play dead. If you let them in, you'll wish you were anyway.
If all other tactics fail, these ruthless felons will use intimidation to get their way, usually in the form of exposing themselves. Heaven help anyone who dares to mention the contentious subject of public breastfeeding in the presence of these gangsters.
Under any other circumstances, displaying a naked breast in a shopping centre would result in being strong-armed by security, however the Cheeky Breeders are seemingly exempt from such societal norms since they have another human being clamped on their bangers. Stay blinkered and avoid eye contact with these political lactivists. The best course of action is complete indifference. Any facial expression is likely to result in the gang-member mounting her horse. Her high horse, that is.
Beware! This gang is prolific and, as the name suggests, is sweeping the globe intent on world domination. The best way to regain control of our neighbourhoods is by mass use of contraception. Over time, and with education, less people are joining their ranks.
Eventually the Cheeky Breeders, and indeed the entire human race, will cease to exist.
The planet will heave a sigh of relief.
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